My Date with the Grease Monster

Lisa Spears

While reading the classifieds in the newspaper, I came across a rather peculiar personal ad: “Monster who enjoys long walks through San Antonio sewer pipes, clogging them up and ruining people’s lives in general. Seeking same.”

How despicable, I thought. I decided to confront this guy so I arranged a date. Of course, he wanted to meet in front of a greasy spoon. No imagination. We go in and sit down. It didn’t take long for me to realize he saw himself as a celebrity. After all, his face was plastered on billboards, sides of vans, bumper stickers, you name it.

“Look around. These folks are my bread and butter,” he boasted. “They’ve been serving me for years throwing all sorts of grease and scraps down the drain.”

My patience had run out. “Don’t you realize how detrimental your behavior is? You wreak havoc, costing SAWS customers millions of dollars.”

The Grease Monster replied, “But look at them, they’re like sheep. They’ve been doing this for years and they don’t even realize what it costs them. It’s a pretty sweet deal on my part.”

“With an all-for-one effort we could say goodbye to you,” I retorted. “All we’d have to do is collect grease in a container and toss it in the trash. You’d be history.”

The monster chortled. “You sound like one of those people who reads gardenstylesa.com. Next you’ll tell me is they can add grease to their compost pile.”

I cringed. “No, no, no! Boy, are you unclear on the concept. The greasy stuff you like would suffocate the biological processes that go into composting,” I explained. “For a big green monster you’re anything but green-minded.”

Attempting to reason with the slimy beast I inquired, “What would it take for me to lure you away from the dark side?”

The Grease Monster crowed, “My Dear, as long as people keep dumping grease down their drains, I will continue to haunt the pipes and sewers.”

With that we parted ways. But I stuck him with the check. It was the least I could do after all he has cost us.

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